When I took on my first marketing role, some years ago now, I quickly realised that the term marketing, like sales came with a lot of negative baggage. Since then, I’ve met enough marketers who fit the awful cliché to see why the name has been sullied for good.

I’ve made it my personal goal to never, ever fit in with the stereotype of the marketer who is willing to lie, cheat and sell his firstborn child for the sake of hitting some haphazard target numbers set by a boss in an executive leather chair in a clinical office boardroom. I want marketing to be about a great product and an honest passion for the community to whom it brings a solution to a problem. I only want to work for company directors who have visions I can agree with, and marketing managers who have their heart and their ethics in the right place. Call me idealistic or naïve, but that’s how this girl rolls.

This morning, I came across a TechCrunch guest post by a guy called Dan who claims his viral video marketing agency can take average videos and shoot them into the viral fame sphere. He candidly starts with this introduction:

“Have you ever watched a video with 100,000 views on YouTube and thought to yourself: “How the hell did that video get so many views?” Chances are pretty good that this didn’t happen naturally, but rather that some company worked hard to make it happen – some company like mine.”

Now, I’m not new to paid blog posts, fake forum users and spam comments encouraging users to go view videos. I know very well how much money some companies will pay to get some of that hard-to-get attention time from viewers. In fact, I’ve been asked in the past to take part in every single one of these types of grey-area tactics, and have held my position. The Internet is polluted enough as it is, I won’t be adding to the spam that goes around by lowering myself to talking to myself on a public forum, pretending to be some teeny bopper who loves whatever product I’m asked to market.

What rubs me the wrong way is the apparent pride with which Dan talks about his agency, while knowing very well that what he’s doing is a. ethically wrong, b. taking the lazy route, c. quite likely to one day blow up in his face.

In his follow-up post, Dan apologises for the tone he took in his article and does a 180 degrees on his claims of spam tactics. His attempt at saving face with the sudden claim that he does not spam or manipulate people is pathetic and pretty damn weak.

There are two scenarios that could’ve led Dan to require that second mea culpa post:

• Either he does use dirty tactics and was a bit too honest, which makes him a moron for not foreseeing how others, with more ethics than him, would be incensed and angered by his post. If he can’t foresee consequences this obvious, do you really want him marketing your product?
• Or he’s being a gusty bastard and did this specifically to get a rise out of people for the sake of some publicity, spicing his article with a few sensationalistic techniques he doesn’t necessarily always use. If that’s the case, he’s still an idiot for claiming to use frankly spammy techniques.

Either way, Dan, it still makes you an ethically-twisted little shit.

Unlike me, Ian Delaney doesn’t get his knickers in a twist, and focuses on the positives in Dan’s post, and highlights the things we can learn from successful viral videos.

• Make it short: 15-30 seconds is ideal; break down long stories into bite-sized clips
• Design for remixing: create a video that is simple enough to be remixed over and over again by others. Ex: “Dramatic Hamster”
• Don’t make an outright ad: if a video feels like an ad, viewers won’t share it unless it’s really amazing. Ex: Sony Bravia
• Make it shocking: give a viewer no choice but to investigate further. Ex: “UFO Haiti”
• Use fake headlines: make the viewer say, “Holy shit, did that actually happen?!” Ex: “Stolen Nascar”
• Appeal to sex: if all else fails, hire the most attractive women available to be in the video. Ex: “Yoga 4 Dudes”

So while there’s a bit to learn from Dan’s posts, I just hope everyone remembers that there are plenty of ethical, community-centered and honest people in the marketing world who will agree that dodgy spamming and paid links just isn’t fair play. While dirty tricks might work short-term, you can’t build a community through it, and in the long run, that’s what matters.

So here’s to sharing the random Google search results some people have used to find some of my posts.

• “toby carvery nutritional information”: I dunno, what’s the nutritional information for cardboard?
• “how the canadian girls do they look like”: How the who wha?!
• “where to place l plates on ford ka”: Right, and they should let you pass your test why?
• “guardian journalists rubbish web copywriters”: Hah, you said it first, mate!
• “husband corset”: *Slips her the phone number of a good marriage therapist*
• “imovie 08 red line when trying to drag clips”: To fix this, Step 1 – Take iMovie disc out of drive, Step 2 – Put back in packaging, Step 3 – Take back to store and demand a copy of iMovie ‘06.
• “funny & nasty domain names blog”: I don’t think my blog has a nasty name *cries* I’m hurt.
• “tablets to get into a mood of sex”: Open email. Check spam folder. There you go, plenty of “sexy mood” tablets for ya!
• “how do you work out if a girl fancies you” & “how to make a move to make out with a girl”: Hmm how to explain you have NO hope.
• “where can i read the latest darwin award entries?”: Uhh let’s see DarwinAwards.com?
• “my sister-in-law nude pictures”: Dude, that’s NEVER a good idea…
• “thong knickers banned in schools”: Excuse my ignorance, but umm, do they check every morning?
• “canadian pillow humping”: Buahahaha wtf?
• “smartass”: Oh, sorry, I’ll stop now.

Previous edition: Funny Google Searches: Looking Back at 2006 Edition

It’s now happened. A viral, out-of-the-box, really groundbreaking campaign about an information revolution. At least, that’s how it sounded back in the boardroom where the ideas took shape.

In reality, it’s one of the most blatant cases of astroturfing I’ve seen in the past few years. It presents itself as some sort of underground social movement, shrouded in mystery. [Disclaimer: Keeping in mind that I don't live in London and my exposure to the campaign is limited to the banners on blogs I read, and these pictures snapped on the street and on the tube by some Londoners.]

The Wall Street Journal weighs in:

The online discussion has been dominated by people complaining they’ve been misled. “I thought this may be an informative Web site about how information is used on the Internet,” said one posting last week. “Instead I discover it’s just a cheap ploy for an inferior search engine.” The six-week campaign is designed to lift Ask.com’s profile in the U.K., where it trails Google, Yahoo and Microsoft. The Ask.com network, a unit of New York’s IAC/InterActiveCorp, was used for 4.3% of all Internet searches in the U.K. in January, according to comScore Networks Inc.

Fallon says it expected some criticism but felt there was little to lose, because Google is so much bigger. [via Search Engine Land]

Support for the campaign has been scarce so far. The campaign has been called a “load of drivel” and the agency producing it “cynical, manipulative hacks”. Some go as far as saying that Ask.com expected things to turn sour, figuring that bad publicity is better than no publicity at all.

Not so sure about that. If all it leads to is a couple of attempts at using Ask.com, when the user is already in a mindframe where they feel betrayed and bullsh***ed by the company in question, the likelihood of this user leaving with a positive, “yes, I think I’ll use them again” attitude is somewhere between unlikely and simply laughable.

Time will tell whether this campaign yields any positive visibility for Ask.com, but at the moment, it’s a bit on the ugly side… A bit of a shame, but really, if Ask.com felt that the right way to spark new interest in its search engine was to be deceitful and lie to its users, then it’s getting what it deserves!

[Cross posted from Focus on Them]

But looks like Google has solved my problem, again! Gmail Paper is a new service, just arrived to the UK after some US trials, which allows you to request paper copies of your emails. These are delivered in 2-4 business days, leaving you the alternative of reading all your mail on paper.

And for those who are concerned about the environment, you needn’t worry, they thought of everything. “Gmail Paper is made out of 96% post-consumer organic soybean sputum, and thus, actually helps the environment. For every Gmail Paper we produce, the environment gets incrementally healthier.”

• “airplanes games”: As long as they don’t involve saying “boom” or sharp objects
• “quadra boob”: Fashion crime if there ever was one
• “make up tips for chinky eyes”: Yikes, I wouldn’t quite have worded it that way myself…
• “why dont ducks tell jokes whilst flying”: Whatever the punchline in, I bet it’s awful
• “im fat”: Join the club!
• “how to make a move on a girl”: If you’re counting on Google or my blog for help on this, you’re screwed, mate!
• “girls 10-13 advice on having your own business”: A lemonade stand maybe?
• “canadian chav pictures”: In Canada, we generally just call them white trash…
• “i want to purchase some womens ugg boots where can i find them”: The “Ugg boots”-related searches are frighteningly high this year. It’s too late to save the world, I’m sorry.
• “photos of people wearing ugg boots with leggings”: Urgh is it two-for-one at the Fashion Crimes Homestore?
• “jade goody stairs in your eyes”: Ouch, watch out for splinters
• “funny but not rude digestion songs”: Digestion song that doesn’t involve farting? Then what’s the point!?
• “brain reading ipod”: So THAT’s what Apple is releasing next? And here we were, thinking it was going to be a new phone…
• “6 boobed girl”: Wow, that’s got to be even more painful than quadraboobs
• “from the 13th of december how many days until christmas”: How lazy are some people?!
• “crap towns the nation decides croydon”: Have to agree on this one!
• “blow up doll jason donovan”: Leaving us all with a disturbing mental picture…

It seems Heather’s forecast on Ugg boots being popular again this winter wasn’t a fluke, and wasn’t a local thing either. Bill, also from Hitwise, confirms that the trend has been set in the US as well. It’s a worldwide plague!

Oh well… it’ll give the Fug girls plenty of blogging fodder this winter!

• “turkey twizzlers nutritional breakdown” – 95% fat, 5% gristle, hope that helps you!
• “how do i get rid of love handles if i m a girl without a gym” – You eat less turkey twizzlers!
• “fat kid strikes again” – The Obese People’s Union Walks Out Over Turkey Twizzlers Ban (But Are Too Lazy to Protest)
• “bosom exam photos” – Whatever fancy name you give your search, you’re still just looking for tits!
• “husband corset glue wig” – Whatever your husband does behind closed doors to liven up your marriage, I don’t want to know!
• “the most beautifull ladyboy” – See above
• “healthiest option take away curry” – Honey, it’s curry, the only healthy option is not to eat it
• “bovered definition” – Look at mah face…
• “canadian girls with mobile phone number” – Not for you, mate!
• “chipirones mail order” – Sorry but I don’t get the logistics of this one!
• “pictures of anastacia and her dog freak” – Don’t they say owners pick their pets to their own image?
• “andrew s high heels pages” – So that’s where my shoes went!
• “picture of a family waiting for a school bus” – Ok this one’s just odd…

And now, this week’s challenge. You make up the comment for this last one:

• “how to make a french canadian girl happy” – Your comment here

So this morning, Google Trends caught my attention when Matt Cutts blogged about it. As one would guess from the name, Trends tracks popular search trends, labelling spikes with news articles that were published in that period.

I thought I’d have a look at the seemingly ever-growing online trends that are blogging, podcasting and wikis. This is the result:

Conclusion #1: Podcasts came to the limelight in 2005, but don’t even come up to the ankle of the great blogging phenomenon. I’m pleased to see the ongoing growth of wikis, as they’re a valuable source of information.

Conclusion #2: There are so many random topics one can search on Google Trends, it’s possible to lose a couple of hours without knowing it! Steve posted 25, Matt’s readers add a few more.

Somebody made a funny!